Final Paper

    Abstract

This papers wants to explore the modern relationship between parents and children. With the decrease of birth, parents start to much more focus on their children. However, is this kind of protection really good for their children? I will cite the relative books or articles to lead the readers to give this question a good think. Vicki Hoefle created a new education to teach parents how to prevent themselves over help the children. And there is Celine Raphael to talk about her own experience about her father’s strict education. From our exploration, we can gradually understand what is better for the children.

Parents’ care, children’s obstacle?

The relationship between parents and children

Because of the trend of fewer children, it’s common that there’s only one or two kids in a family. As a result, this situation makes parents pay more attention on children and want to make their own children become the best one in the society. As a result, in addition to staying with children all the time, if they can, some of parents start to try to control and decide children’s life. However, the more arrangement parents give, the less attempt children have. There is a word called helicopter parents, which means parents always keep an eye on children. They surround their children, telling them what to do, and what not to do. It makes children lost their judgment, and limits children’s ability.

Don’t be Helicopter Parents

Shelly Li(李雪莉), one of CommonWealth(天下雜誌)’ s editor, once published an essay titled Don’ t be Helicopter Parents in 2007. Shelly probed into the circumstance of nowadays about parents’ teaching and discipline. She gives two examples. One is that a mother who was angry at the teacher because the teacher didn’t answer her daughter’s question first. Another example is a volunteer mother who should keep order beside the swimming pool. She ran to her daughter and used a hair dryer to blow her daughter’s hair as her daughter walked out from the dressing room.

From the examples above, we can notice that there are more and more parents tend to over intervene and be over nervous. According to the author, these helicopter parents were born in the period of 1961 to 1976. The children of this period saw the society, changing into more democratic and freer educational way. However, these parents have some problems under the expectation to their “perfect” children. i.e., anxiety, unease, comparison etc.

Because of the helicopter parents, many children’s ability of living becomes poor. They become easier to get anxious. Besides, there are more and more problems between parents and children. For example, in order to let children win other children, parents want their children to learn some extra-curricular activities such as musical instrument or foreign languages. However, if children don’t like these activities that their parents choose for them, they will get depressive and unpassionate. As a result, it is easy to have conflicts between parents and children.

Shelly explained well about the reason and result of helicopter parents. In this part, Shelly gives clear explanation. However, is there only one education now? Of course not! So I cite the magazine to give you more clear introduction of parents’ types.

Parents’ types

The magazine called 《bobo小天才雜誌》, which published in 2008 April, wrote about five types of parents. The first type is the democratic parents. The second type is the autocratic parents. The third type is neglect type. The fourth type’s children which is special that the magazine divide the parents of the fourth type into two kind. One is let children do everything they want. The other is over protect their children. The last type’s parent is lack of unity.

     I want to focus on the autocratic parents. According to the article, this kind of parents often make decision for children, because they consider their decisions better than children’s, or even the best and the only way. In addition, their methods also produce negative effects. Those who have been used to parent’s overall arrangement will take parents’ help for granted. Because they get used to parent’s arrangement, they can’t learn to negotiate with others and are easy to be spoiled by their parents. As a result, some children growing under this kind education can’t get along with others because they only think about themselves. Some will feel uncertain about their own decisions and ability because their decisions are always denied by their parents. In fact, these problems all result from parents’ distrust. Parents don’t believe that their children can deal with the problems by themselves. They want to build a house to let the children get inside forever, so that they can never be hurt. Nevertheless, it will only make their children more fragile.

     In this century, parents get used to arrange everything for their children, for example, which school to go to and which instrument and language to learn. It’s normal for parents to give children some advices. After all, parents indeed experience more from the society. However, everyone in this world has his or her own best way to face any trouble or difficulty. Parents’ idea can be a reference, but it doesn’t have to be the answer. Moreover, we can’t deny that some obstacle can make children stronger and easier to solve the problems by themselves. But what on earth should parents do when children face the trouble? I will introduce you a kind of parenting named Duct Tape Parenting.

Duct Tape Parenting

Vicki Hoefle(2013), the author of Duct Tape Parenting has worked on professional education about parenting for twenty years. She is the founder of the class ─ Parenting On Track as well. This book not only cover her own experience, but also includes the theory from two psychologists ─ Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs.

        Vicki brought up a simple education, which is called Duct Tape Parenting. This education is a way to let children live without restraint. It emphasizes to strengthen the relationship between parents and children, instead of taking them in hands. In this century, the relationship between parents and children can be like friends. If parents just want to control the children, it’s easy to have conflict between them. Vicki also tells parents that this method is a long plan. Many methods of education for parents have a quick effect; however, the thing will go back like before quickly as well. So what Vicki really wants to taught parents needs a lot of time, but it is effective , and its effect continues. Parents have to always prepare a tape. When you want to give order, taping your mouth. When you want to servant your children, taping your body. When your children is crying for no reason, taping your eyes and ears. These method means to avoid parents can’t help to over help their children.

        In this book, Vicki also regard trust and chance as very important things that parents have to give their children. Trust is the base of good parent-child relationship, and chance is the beginning of children’s self-growing. And it also corresponds to my point that parents may overprotect children or make decision for them because they can’t trust their children. As for the overprotecting and making decisions for children, Vicki also gives her thought in the book. First, Vicki writes that if parents overprotect the children, it’s indeed bad for them, because the children will find that the real world is not as simple as they thought in the end. Second, making decisions for the children will hinder them from having their own space to learn how to arrange their own life. Besides, they will think themselves nothing at all.

Vicki says:” Making mistakes is the easiest and the most efficient way to let children face the challenges and difficulties in the future.”  It’s the last emphasis that Vicki gives in this book. Instead of giving a lecture from parents when children do wrong, Vicki refers to let the nature teach the children. In this world, if children do something wrong, there must be some outcomes resulting from their deed. For examples, let’s suppose that a boy forgets to bring the coat to school. If parents just lecture on him, he will only think that he is not good. Your original purpose, don’t want him to feel cold, won’t go into child’s mind. However, without parents’ lecture, the boy will remember to bring the coat next time on his own because he will feel cold and couldn’t get out with his friends. That’s nature’s lecture. It also can prevent bad parent-child relationship resulting from parents’ scolding.

Parents have to learn to give their trust and chance to children. Besides, their overprotecting and making decision for children will just make children lose their ability. The most importance of all is that this nature will has its own method to teach the children. All we have to do is to be relax, and believe that mistakes can make children learn better. We have known the good outcome of Duct Tape Parenting. We still have understand more about the bad outcome of strict parenting.

Bad influence of strict education

Many parents will think strict education as the only way to let children get better position in their future. However, some of them can’t even control how strict is useful and efficient. Sometimes, parents think the discipline they give is appropriate, but it is in fact a poison to the children.

Celine Raphael is a talented child who is good at playing the piano. However, everything changes when she is “crowded” by this title. In order to let Celine become a professional pianist, her father starts to force Celine to practice the piano day and night, even stop her from having a normal life that a child deserves. Furthermore, her father even used a belt to whip her once she made mistakes, or other much more terrible punishments. In the end, Celine finally stood out and fought for her liberty. She successfully made her dream come true, being a doctor instead of a pianist.

From Celine’s biography, we can find the difference of ideas and feelings between parents and children. Although Celine’s father punished Celine strictly and mercilessly, even making Celine have anorexia, he denied every charges from Celine. He imputed his cruel deed to Celine’s bad behavior. We can find that, something parents think is good for children may, in fact, hurt children most seriously. However, parents will just name this discipline a good way to let their children have a wonderful future. But, do these deeds really come from the truly hope for children? I don’t think so.

Many parents will force their children to learn the instrument or dance or other accomplishments because they want their children to finish what they couldn’t accomplish. Celine’s father once dreamed to play the piano, but his parents couldn’t afford this expenses. Instead of trying to understand what Celine really wanted, he just thought that Celine was good at playing the piano, so she had to develop her talent without other excuses. This projection is the biggest problem the most parents have.

Some parents may feel some kind of guilty when they punish their children, then they will try to give their children some consolations. However, even if you pull the nail out of the wall, there’s still a mark on it. Celine’s father embraced her in the night to get Celine’s forgiveness after he punished her. But he went on his terrible discipline and humiliation day after day. Father wanted to make up their relationship by a little hug. But to Celine, her hurt can’t be restored so easily.

Celine has mentioned that her father grew up under a harsh environment and education from his father. His father also used strict methods to educate him. Although Celine’s father really gets a good position, his mind also becomes anomalistic. Is this really what his father wants to give him? From her father’s childhood, we can also discover one thing. A strict education may really make your children have a better work or achievement, but their mind may also be influenced by your inappropriate treatment.

From Celine’s biography, we can understand those who are under the education from the parents like Mother Tiger. When parents just see the good side from Mother Tiger’s book, maybe they should read this book to avoid making the mistake like Celine’s father.

Conclusion

Under parents’ big protection, children gradually get used to rely on parents’ supply. According to the research, helicopter parents bring up kidult, which is the combination of kid and adult. Kidult often have some problems. For example, being irresponsible, lack of confidence, over dependent, couldn’t bear frustration, and so on. There’s a situation named Peter Pan Syndrome, which describes those who isn’t young, but the way he or she thinks and does is just like a child. Those who under parents’ big protection and order is like Peter Pan, doesn’t want to grow up, only wants to hide in his or her small world, enjoying parents’ supply and protection. But time will go on, it’s impossible for parents to stay with children forever. Their children still have to live on their own. The best way for parents to make their children be better is to let go their hold. When children still have change to fail, to be frustrated, let them experience more defeat and test, so that, they can grow and be stronger.

Reverence

Celine Raphael(2013). La Demesure. Taipei: Bau Ping.

Five parents’ types. (n.d.). Retrieved October 29, 2013, from www.cyut.edu.tw/teacher/ft00009/Posts02.doc‎

Shelly Li (2007, March 28). Don’t be helicopter parents. CommonWealth.

Sheril, R. D. (1956). The terrifying future: Contemplating color television. San Diego: Halstead.

Vicki Hoefle(2013). Duct Tape Parenting. Taipei: Mu Fone.